The Weekend California

Almost Fell Into The Pacific Ocean

Ok...I think I've finally recovered enough so that I can tell this story.  Well, at least my hands have stopped shaking enough so that I can type.  Good enough.  Let me preface the story by explaining who's arrival in our beautiful state caused such a precarious situation.  My long time friend Glenn Hahn came out to visit from Chicago.  Glenn and I have been email buddies for 17 years.  He's the first person I ever talked with/emailed on the Internet, but we'd never had the opportunity to meet.  We met virtually on AOL in 1989.  What can I say?  All the talk of Dixie Cups, argyle socks and dancing reeled me in like a trout on a line.  I thought, "Finally, a humoristic equal!!"  Little did I know that Glenn's physical persona maintains at least seven personalities and when they work together....LOOK OUT!!!

Day One - The Glennsanity Begins!!
Glenn arrived on Thursday night and stayed in San Francisco that evening.  I thought I'd be down in the bay area to hook up with him around 3ish on Friday.  I got hung up at work then got my big ass stuck behind nearly 300 hippies on bikes in some sort of an environmental demonstration so I didn't show up at the hotel until nearly 8 p.m.  I think one of the hippies was still stuck in the grille of my 4X4 when I pulled up to the Savoy.  Glenn had been kind enough to set me up with a room but my room key didn't work.  Heck!  No key worked!  Fortunately, one of Glenn's personalities had built quite a relationship with the front desk guy and while we camped out in my room to watch the maintenance guys fix the door, the bottles of wine began to show up.  I still get to laughing when I think about the maintenance guys knocking and Glenn yelling "Come in!!  Use your key!!"  We finally left the hotel in search of food and more libation (God save us) at around 10.  We went to a nice place called the Grand Cafe where Glenn and the bartender had a "joke off".  Paul told a lame monkey joke that neither Glenn nor I can remember.  Glenn told a joke that my children will NEVER be told that sent poor Paul running from behind the bar screaming like a little girl.  When the bar closed and they were kicking us out, Glenn introduced us to a couple from Belfast, Ireland that was also getting the boot.  Next thing you know, Glenn and Ronda and David and Fiona are headed for an Irish pub.  You know, I thought I could drink....but....DAAAAAMMMNNNN!!  Those people could drink!!  When we got kicked out of that bar (they were closing, we weren't rowdy), we went to a strip club.  This is when the evening got fuzzy for me.  I found neatly folded bills in my pocket the next morning so I know I was there but I don't recall a whole lot of it.  I do, however, recall Glenn being a bit upset that the cabby wouldn't let him drive back to the hotel.

Day Two - Who Ran Over My Head?!
I woke up on Saturday with one foot on the floor to keep the bed from spinning.  There was a profuse amount of pain while I made the effort of the 10 foot journey from the bed to the bathroom.  I turned the water on to fill the tub then poured myself in.  I met Glenn downstairs and to my surprise, he looked like he had encountered the same truck that must have hit me.  We checked out and loaded our stuff up in my truck.  Glenn remembered where he'd seen an In And Out Burger on the wharf the day before so we went on a quest for a cheeseburger.  We made it back to my place through traffic that acted more like a parking lot but were greeted by a Mexican in my yard.  Actually, it was Kaleigh, my daughter, dressed like a Mexican.  She had decorated the house as "The Redneck Resort" complete with "Pappy's Corn Squeezin's" in the bedroom and a sign that said "Glenn's Towel...touch it and you'll be shot" in the bathroom.  We immediately loaded up and headed for Steve and Sena's 5th Annual 4th of July Party at "The Minshew Compound".  We had a great time hanging out with all of Steve and Sena's friends.  There were tons of fireworks, great food and lots of beer.  Steve's wieners were GREAT!!  The only thing missing were the midgets and tin foil but I'm not complaining!!  We made it back to my house around midnight and CRASHED.

Day Three - A Redneck, Some Cows, and Glenn...Oh my!!
We rolled out and hooked up with stray party goers from the night before at Duke's for breakfast.  Glenn, my kids and I headed back to the ranch so we could give Glenn the expanded tour.  We loaded up on quads and made the rounds.  We took Glenn to the calf barn then out to the milk barn.  Kaleigh and Glenn had a bovine super soaker fight (right out of the cow) across the aisle in the milk barn.  Before it was over, Glenn was getting some pretty good range out of his cow.  We also took him out to pet Candy and to look at the bulls.  Glenn seems to think that now he needs western wear and a rope.  I guess we'll cover that next time.  At some point this afternoon, Glenn shared some gifts that he'd gotten for the kids.  Tyler had mentioned that he wanted a Cubs hat when Glenn came out.  I had called and told Glenn that and he said "Why?  Is he gay?"  I told him I didn't think so but maybe he just hadn't come out yet.  Glenn told me that he'd bring Tyler a pink Cubs hat that he could wear when he was playing with his sister's Barbies.  He said that he'd also bring him a world champions White Sox hat just in case he was going to do "man stuff" like go fishing with dynamite.  Tyler was VERY surprised to find a pink Cubs hat and a hot pink skirt in his gift bag.  He did put it on and model the ensemble with my black pumps.  I'm gonna go ahead and say right now that Tyler will never make it as a transvestite.  He just doesn't get around well in the heels.  That evening we all went to a party that my brother, sister and myself threw for my parent's 40th wedding anniversary.  I had created a PowerPoint slideshow of pics from my folks' life.  I had some trouble with the speakers but Glenn and Sena kept bringing me Sierra Nevadas so I was able to work through it.  Thanks guys!!

Day Four - Whine Country
Ok guys....I drink but DAMMIT! I don't normally go on a four day bender.  WTF?!  Glenn and I rolled out on Monday and headed for Sonoma.  We hit three wineries, one of them being my favorite on the planet.  We were sure to harass the help equally at each location however the guy at Kunde must have had his sense of humor removed at birth.  I hear they do that with a very sharp knife.  Kunde also didn't have their wine cave tours that day.  Again...WTF?!  We had our bat man and bat girl capes ready and everything!  The girls at St. Francis Winery asked me to physically remove Glenn at some point after he noticed one gal's name was Mary Glenn.  He said he was Merry Glenn and he should get some sort of discount for that.  With a little duct tape and a stick, I was able to drive him out to the pickup.  We had lunch at a restaurant in Sonoma called Maya where I was introduced to the beauty of Mojitos.  OHMIGOD!!  Those are deeeeee-vine.

Day Five - The Governor Calls
So, at this point, the Governor of California has called me and asked me to please get Glenn to go back to Chicago.  There is some concern that if he remains anywhere near me, the resulting fun could cause earthquakes big enough that California may break off and fall into the ocean.  Ty and I drove Glenn to the airport in Oakland.  I can't believe it took us this long to finally meet each other.  Glenn has been a friend for so long and has ranked right up there with friends I see almost every day.  He's been one of my major contributors every year when I do the Tour de Cure.  He's been there to listen to me whine when I need help with something.  I'm SO glad I got to meet you Glenn!  Thank you for taking the time to come out here!!

(Click on an image for a larger view)

Tyler, Shorty and Glenn at Mom and Dad's party.  This is one tough neighborhood.

The girls made Glenn a tin foil hat so the aliens couldn't read his thoughts.  Um....IF the aliens COULD read his thoughts, their heads would explode.  I guess the girls were trying to save the alien race.


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